So, lets just get into it...looking back at my mission from where I am now... is a lot easier then it was when I first got back. I could barley talk about my mission but I have over come a lot since then. I over came the fact that not everyone's mission is the same length.
After being home a couple days I finally got released from being a missionary. (I honestly felt like I was sinning in everything I did because I still had to follow the rules for being a missionary. It was rough..) When I sat and talked to the stake president tears filled my eyes. I was tired, I couldn't walk without a walker, and I was heart broken with how things ended up. Needless to say, I was having a hard time copping with everything.
He sat across from me, took a deep breath, and with tears filling his eyes said, “Sister Jones, You are released from being a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. Your Heavenly Father wants you to know that, you are like Abraham when he was sent to sacrifice his son. Abraham was tested to see if he was willing to do what the Lord would have him do. Once the Lord saw he was willing, he had accomplished the task. Heavenly Father has seen you are willing and he is so proud of you. Your Heavenly Father wants you to know He loves you so much. ” That was obliviously a big confirmation that I was done with my mission. I felt so much peace and I was so grateful for that. I was praying to find peace and its exactly what he gave me.
Even though I felt peace and knew I was supposed to be home, Satan still tried to attack me. I felt unwanted and helpless at times. Just because my mission was over and I was supposed to be home, it didn't change the fact I was still sick. Because I was sick most of my days were spent laying in bed. If I wanted to go down the stairs I had to have someone support my body so I wouldn't fall. I felt like a burden. I couldn't do much for myself. Going from a mission where you are constantly helping people and your days are filled with good to laying in bed helpless.. is really hard. It was so drastically different it really threw me for a loop. Even when I was sick the last bit of my mission and we couldn't go out, I still was doing missionary work, even if it was while laying in bed while my companion and I called people or went over the area book. It was still me doing good or at least trying to. Life gets hard at times but we keep going no matter the set backs that we are given. They may hold us back for a little but they never hold us back for longer then they are supposed to.
My mission was everything I ever hoped it would be. I had amazing companions, created lifelong friendships, had an amazing area, and grew more then I could have ever imagined. I was truly blessed despite how it all turned out. I was able to fulfill what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. I couldn't have asked for anything more. He has helped me through it all and has never left me. And now I am where he needs me to be. Need I go on? If there is one thing I learned out of all of this, its that Heavenly Father is always there. He will always send angles when needed and he will always carry you when you feel you cant go on.
There is one experience I had on my mission that I cant go on without sharing. I had to write a paper for a class I am taking and I chose to write about this particular experience. So, here is the paper I wrote... (Sorry for the lack of commas..)
There was a time not too long ago when I knew for a fact that I had angles around me. Around a year ago I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints in Ventura, California. It was an experience I will never forget. There are any many things I learned on my mission but one that will be burned in my heart forever is my knowledge of angels.
On December 2nd I woke up to my legs hurting. Because we had walked a lot the day before I thought maybe I was just sore from that. As the day went on I couldn’t help but think something else was wrong. Days went by and the pain in my legs increased. The pain at first was as if someone was wringing my legs out like a towel. I could walk and work fine but I had to push myself to keep going. Little by little my hair started to fall out and my hands started to shake. I was becoming very worried at this point and felt like I needed to contact the mission president. Because I was fairly new out in the mission field my mission president thought I was home sick or suffering from depression. I had never suffered from depression and had always dealt with stress fine so I knew there was way more to it then what he had thought. He suggested that I meet with the mission therapist. So, I mustered up enough faith and went.
Two days later I met with the therapist. We met at a church building a little outside our area. When we got there my companion took a seat in the front entry. We went into a small room to talk, where my companion couldn’t hear us. He asked me many questions and took notes. In the middle of talking I could tell he was looking at my hands. A minute after studying my hand he says, “Do your hands always shake like that?" I then proceeded to inform him on what had been going on with my health. While telling him everything I noticed he had stopped taking notes. After I was done filling him in on all the details he sets down the note pad and says "Sister Jones, you are in no way dealing with stress, you are sick and you need to see a doctor. I don’t think we need to move on with these meetings." Then, he showed me back to the entry where my companion had been waiting.
When we arrived back home we called the mission president. I told him what the therapist had said and he told me I had to contact my parents so I could see a doctor. I was nervous because I hadn’t told my parents anything was going on because I didn’t want to worry them. Before I knew it he was transferring the call to my mom so I could speak to her. She gave her usual happy "Hi sweetie". Tears came to my eyes because it was the first time I had heard her voice since I had left for my mission. Through the tears I proceeded to fill her in on everything. I could hear in her voice the worry. I reassured her that I was ok and that I would get better or so I thought.
I saw a doctor only three days later which was a miracle because the lady said they had been booked but had a random opening that had become available only an hour before I had called. At that moment I began to understand that Heavenly Father was watching out for me.
I sat down with a nurse and she began to draw my blood. Thirteen viles of blood later I was finished. I had become a little woozy from watching her. They couldn’t tell me anything right away so they sent me home to wait. The anticipation was almost too much to handle. I couldn’t help but expect the worse. Sometimes negative thoughts would pollute my head. Was it cancer? Am I dying? Was it a virus? I couldn’t quite calm my nerves. It wasn’t till a day later when the doctor called and told me what was shown in my test results. She used big words and explained to me that my tests came back abnormal and that she was a little worried. She suggested I go home to Colorado and get it all figured out with my doctor. She told me that because he knew my medical history that he would be more help to me and I would be in the comfort of my own state. I agreed.
In just a week of seeing that doctor the pain in my legs grew to an all-time high and not only did my hands shake uncontrollably, my whole body shook. It had become hard to fall asleep at night because of the pain and we were no longer allowed to go out and teach people about the Gospel because of my illness and the complications that came with it.
We had been inside for about a week and I was sleeping a lot during the day. I had no energy, I could barely walk and when we did go out to get groceries it took everything in me to not pass out. Multiple times in a day I would ask Heavenly Father why I had to go through this.
Things happen to people that you would never expect. Everyone has moments in their life where it changes their life forever. I didn’t understand why I had to go through this. After racking my brain I decided to let it go and have faith. After many days of trying my best to have as much faith as possible, I finally understood why I had to go through what I did.. after what happened next.
I was lying in bed riving in pain. The pain wouldn’t let up long enough for me to fall asleep. My companion had fallen asleep already and I didn’t want to wake her up because I knew she had been tired from taking care of me all day. So, I let her sleep. I laid in bed for around an hour longer, with a prayer in my heart begging him to just take away the pain. Nothing was working. I was at my wits end, my thoughts turned into doubts and in a moment of despair I said a prayer, "Heavenly Father, please take this pain away. At least long enough for me to fall asleep. I will do anything you need me to in life, I will be good, never sway from the gospel, please help me." In what seemed like two hours later, I fell asleep.
I had a very vivid dream, as I was lying in bed like always with my companion fast asleep on the mattress that lay on the ground across the room. My eyes were still closed tight not wanting to wake up. I felt a warm presence next to me and a hand on my head softly stroking my hair. I opened my eyes just a little to see who it was. It was a girl kneeling at the side of my mattress which wasn’t too far off the ground. I didn’t recognize the girl kneeling at my bed. I wasn’t frightened, all I felt was comfort. When she was there I couldn’t feel any pain. As she stroked my hair she whispered words soft and sweet. She told me that everything would be OK, over and over again. I closed my eyes tight again not wanting it to end.
I woke up the next morning thinking it was all a dream but there was something about it that felt so real. I couldn’t let it go. So, I started to think, was it real? Did Heavenly Father send me an angel? Then I remembered what a dear friend had told me about angels and how much they are in our lives. In my heart I believe he really did send me an angel. Some may not believe me but to me it was a moment that would be burned in my heart forever. Knowing that someone out there cared about me that much meant so much more to me than others doubts about my experience. There are many things I learned on my mission but one that will be burned in my heart forever is my knowledge of angels. You may not be able to see them but they are there.
